Saturday, June 2, 2012

Political Wives

Surely, they’ve crossed your path a few times. They’re probably the most delusional people on the planet. No, I’m not talking about the cast of a new reality television show. And no, I’m not talking about politicians actual wives…or their mistresses for that matter. I’m talking about campaign managers, local organizers, and the whole lot of worshipping peons that are quite willing to devote the best years of their lives to promoting their favorite candidate.

Really, in the most painfully traditional sense, political campaign staff and volunteers make good “wives.” And they’re only too happy to be in polygamous marriages. They’ve pledged eternal fidelity and genuinely wish you would do so too. In fact, they insist on it. They’re extremely vicious when you refuse to blindly support their man. Don’t think Mr. Third-Party or Mr. Little-Fish-in-a-Big-Pond has what it takes to win the election or primary? Keep it to yourself. The Mrs. will find you – I guarantee it! – and corner you in broad daylight. Or bombard you with links to really bad YouTube propaganda.

And I could go on for hours about broken campaign promises and positional flip-flopping. Take for example an incident involving one local promoter when I voiced concern that my congressman wasn’t adequately representing those who put him in office. “So-and-so didn’t support the bailout.” Excuse me? He wrote a tome and preached a sermon about why he acted contrary to the angry demands of an overwhelming majority of his constituents. Political wives aren’t even puppets. They’re pre-programmed robots designed to contradict anything negative without thought.

What about legal or social misconduct? Indeed, love covereth a multitude of sin. And you’re a bad person for not loving unconditionally and unquestioningly.

What about poor etiquette or dress? You’re a snob.

What about studies showing that sign waving on street corners is a waste of time? You’re a bad person for not getting the word out. Eight hours in the hot sun is nothing compared to one car honk from an already-committed voter.

What about the cell phone minutes eaten up by recorded reminders to vote? Don’t you like receiving personal messages from God?

What about cell phone minutes eaten up by pushy salespeople? If you’re not making phone calls, you’re not one of us and need to be converted.

What about the sixtieth email soliciting funds? The political wife has given up a career, family, and all self-respect to ensure that “God’s will” happens on Election Day. And you’re complaining about money?

And what’s the most hilarious thing about all this? Ha! Political wives almost always are men. Often men who have too much pride to act that way for their spouses: Fight for Men’s Rights! For their bosses: Fight for Workers’ Rights! For their religious and political leaders in general: Fight for Individual Sovereignty! Yet when it comes to working the clock for a campaign, they welcome social emasculation. They’re so committed to the man that they don’t care. I hope they receive nice Valentine’s Day gifts.